Held Accountable. (A life story)

I was born normally in Rome, GA. My parents are Robert and Malinda. Malinda was a beatuiful, motherly woman, And Robert was a hot-headed, redneck scottsman with a temper that would make a grown man cringe. Robert worked hard labor jobs from the time he was 17. He came home sweaty everyday. He loved us... but he didn't have any good way of showing it. My mother didn't work at all. But he worked all the time and still had nothing. I never knew him.
My mother had a previous marriage. She already had 4 children beore i was born. They were Vanessa, Kristian, Summer, And Heather. I remember Christmas's (before i was 6 or so) My older sisters would come over and we would wait up for santa, then in the morning mom would make cinnimon rolls, and we would open our gifts. It was the time of our lives. They left soon after never to return. They hated my dad and my mother didn't fight for them. She didn't blame them for not wanting anything to do with him.
Shortly after they stopped coming to visit Ethan was born. I remember how tiny he was when they brought him home. He had to be bathed in a butter bowl. About 3 years after that Noah came along. Right before he came, we moved from our tiny trailor in Taylorsville, to a lovely split level in Cartersville. I had the basement room. It was huge! But when my dad lost that house, and we had to move back to the trailor... my mom left my dad. In her mind at least. She was constantly searching for a way out. And not even a year later, my mother said she met someone online. His Name was Ari Inkilainen and he was a musician in Finland. My Dad was beside himself. He was solemn... until she left.
She left on August 9, 2006. My 16th birthday. Out of the 365 days in the year, she picked that one. A couple of days after she left, I was doing dishes, and left a soap bubble on a plate. Well, my dad saw that and it upset him. He grabbed me by my neck and threw me across the room. He called me a "Bitch." and as he was walking away i heard him saying that i was just like my mother. Life had changed, and it only goes downhill from there.
I was barely 16, but i thought i was, i don't know. A woman i guess. I thought i was untouchable. His name was Johnny Dean. He was 23, and gorgeous. I didn't know why he was interested in a mentally disturbed 16 year old like myself, but i didn't care. On our second date he invited me to his house. I accepted without hesitation. We went into his bedroom "to watch a movie" i always thought that when someone says, "Hey, let's go in there and watch a movie." It means, i don't know... that they wanted to watch a movie, but no. I kept saying "NO." but he forced himself on me despite my best efforts. When i got home i immediatly got into the shower. I felt disgusting. I was covered in blood. I hate him for what he did. I really do, but i learned something that night. I learned that you have to get used to the fact that people are going to get what they want from you... and what you want doesn't matter.
Everything happens for a reason, but i just want things to go my way for once, you know? I had been billimic since 13, but it got much worse after that day. I struggled in school because of my home life, and i never had any energy because of my eating disorder. I was in college and high school at the same time. Despite my issues, i was deturmined to neer be like my parents. I had to deal with my dad on a daily basis, and he got worse with every passing hour. I didn't want my brothers to suffer so i took care of everything. If i didn't clean, or cook, or wash their clothes, then it didn't happen at all. Simple as that.
Somewhere in the middle, i met the man i am married to now. He was so amazing. He cared for me, and he was the first person to actually listen to anything i had to say. We were inseperable. He ever helped a lot with my eating disorder. My Father was very upset that i wasn't around as much. He hated Corey.
He went crazy one night and hit me. I ran out and hid in the woods. Corey came and picked me up, and i haven't talked to my dad since. That was 2 years ago. When Corey came and got me that night, we knew things would change, and change they did. We had to move into a place together, but Corey didn't make enough to live off of, so we had to moe into a very sleezy motel. We starved to death when we lived there. I couldn't get tampons for my time of the month, and if we got sick, then too bad, cause we couldn't afford any kind of medicine. I applied at walmart hoping and praying that i would get hired. The motel got worse everyday. There were drug deals going on all around us, and hookers living in the room next door. It was a living nightmare.
Finally, after 6 months of begging, i was hired at walmart! We saved up for a month and moved out into a 2 bedroom apartment. It wasn't much, but it was home. We didn't make much, so we could hardly eat, and never went anywhere, but we were free. I kept putting off finishing college, and it's a good ting i did, becuase i was fired after 8 short months of working there. I had left a pallet on the floor. That pallet ruined my life. That pallet pawned all of my, and Corey's stuff that we worked so hard for. It forced us to stop paying bills, and now it has put us $2,000 in debt. That pallet was the biggest mistake of my life. We lost everything we worked for, Including our pride.
I want to go back to school, but i cant do that until i find a job. I can't find a job, because there aren't any. I see people who have things, and all they do is complain. It is when i think about this that i feel cheated. I feel like i never got my chance. I feel like i am going to have to climb and climb and climb so hard to get to where i need to go. And thats the truth, but you know what? That is exactly what i will do, because i am used to it. That is what i have had to do my whole life, so why should that change? It is now that i am seeing all the things that are happening to us as a good thing. One day i will be able to look at my child, and say "I have been there, let me help you." And to me, that is worth all the struggle in the world.

Period.

Maybe some one should tell you, or maybe you already know. Like a flower growing out of a lump of dirt, your confused. "You must cross your heart and kiss your elbow." Swear it's ok. Take advantage of my towel. The menstration of my mind is driving me crazy. The worry is oozing out of my nose. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. I am indeed very worrysome. At least i am crazy enough to enjoy myself. I wish i could block the light. I wish i could just pull the shades closed. I can feel the rope. REACH. PULL. Sweet darkness surround me.

I Don't Like Sea Food, But i'll Try it for You.

I have my mind full with silver scallops. I feel naked. Burn me like a candle and watch my wax melt. I'm so in need. Let's rescue each other. Let me be yours, completely. Nothing can touch us. You cant touch perfect. I lay awake thinking of the perfect. Bring it back. I'll shave my legs and wait for you. Come closer. I feel, brand new.

Sparkling Red Polka Dots

All i see are bouncing rats in wine glasses. You want to see someone cry? Don't rush brilliance. You cant make miracles. Do you want to cry? Poor baby... DO YOU WANT TO SEE SOME MOTHERFUCKING RELIGION?! Turn on your little computer. Your heart beats with it. I'll feed you some fried fucking chicken. Give me a reason to pull the trigger. I can't wait to hear you beg. Watch me be as ruthless as you. DOES YOUR PRECIOUS MONEY MATTER NOW?! I'll make you eat your worthless money, and i'll laugh watching you cling to it as you die.

Erin is a Daydreamer

Are you dreaming? Are you sleeping? CAN YOU HEAR ME? Are you listening? I am a distraction... i have a distraction. Did you notice? Will you see me? Is it Pretty? Would you like a hug? Are you dreaming? Do you see colors? Am i there in your dreams? Your always with me. Are you dreaming?

Bat Shit

I'm a fucking disco ball. Don't test me. I'll shave my head and put pictures of you there. I want a grape. Don't watch me eat it. Can i lick your foot? Yes we can! Yes we can! Press your ear against my speaker and i'll blast it full. I think maybe we're dead..... let's build a bridge and go away.

Lasso

Dont wake up till it's cold. Break it like a motherfucking bone. Don't let the clovers turn yellow. Pick it up and carry it away. Be a bitch. Sit on your loveseat and feel some hate. They already have you. STOP SQUIRMING. I'll throw pinecones. Smells nice don't it? Take a little bite. Get up and run. Run out the door. It's naptime little birdie. Go home. Poor little bird. Go home, and sleep sound. Forget that they wear your heart around their neck.

Throwing Random Objects at A Clown

I have your underwear on a shelf, and i have your keys in my pocket.I eat your cookies, and cry your tears.It's so loud, only dogs can hear it. Dig it out from under the ground.Let it show. Let all the eyes gaze upon. Perhaps i'll wear it as a hat. I'm going to steal your reflection and use it as a contact lense. Will you be my chandolier? I could drink you. I want every inch of you on my plate. I'll keep you safe in my car.

Fruit

I can hear it. HAUNTING. Like a fly on the wall.Moving slowly. Counting the seconds till it reaches the sun. Drape it over like a cold. Moon river isn't for me, not today. Go eat your peaches, and sleep all day.

Clothes

There's an echo in this place. A kind of DIRTY reminder.A secret not to be told, so go tell thousands. Your like a bird. Fly away BIRD.Fly away, and go tell your echos. Spray your secrets all over town. Open the curtain and let the lies in. Keep smiling bird. Keep your shirt happy. Watch your little light box. Keep it closed.